You’re totally going to rock the socks off everyone with this rhubarb red wine mustard. Superior sandwiches, better BBQs, and fancier charcuterie boards. Move, plain old yellow mustard! Get out the way!

You guys, I did it again. You know, like Brittany. I’m also not that innocent, because it was on purpose. I don’t quite remember what it was that she did again, but I made something weird with rhubarb. Again. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I made Rhubarb Red Wine Mustard to be exact. And although it might not be as attention-grabbing as a red leather onesie, errr bodysuit, it is spicy and tangy and sweet. AGAIN. Oh baby, baby! You’ll think you’re in love.

Truth be told, I didn’t care much for pop music growing up. The first CD I ever bought was Sublime (self-titled album) . . . when I was 12. Because as a middle-class preteen attending Catholic middle school, I could totally relate to riots on the streets April 26, 1992. Good thing helicopter parents weren’t a thing in the 90s, at least not in our neck of the woods . . . err, hood . . . especially since my younger sister’s favorite song was Gangsta’s Paradise back then. And probably still today. What can I say? She’s working toward a doctorate in midwifery, so um, she’s pretty gangsta still. Seriously though, SiriusXM’s Lithium is like the anthem of my adolescence. Nobody ever told me it was the wrong way.

I feel as though desserts are the pop music of rhubarb. Using that logic, mustard is most definitely the grunge and alternative rock of rhubarb. I mean, hey, just because I’m from the midwest and we have an abundance of rhubarb doesn’t mean I’m obliged to make endless amounts of rhubarb crumbles . . . crisps? Crisples? So, when I googled “rhubarb not dessert” and came across a rhubarb mustard recipe in Gourmet, I knew I needed to create my own rhubarb mustard. I totally dig it and hope you do too.

First, I wanted more of a whole grain mustard, so I did not grind any of the mustard seeds in the beginning. If you prefer a smoother mustard, definitely grind away. I replaced the sugar with honey and coconut crystals. I also changed up some of the measurements and added wine, because, well, if a recipe calls for wine, you have to open a bottle of wine. And if you open a bottle of wine, the right thing to do is to have a glass, because hello, we don’t waste around here! And you shouldn’t either. Cheers!

This, my friends, is why I often cook with wine:

Matt: Did you drink all this wine?
Me: Uh, of course not. I used some in the sauce.
Matt: This dish doesn’t have any sauce.
Me: 

Alas! That is how Rhubarb Red Wine Mustard came about. I also did it because, you know, I’m a rebel, but you probably already picked up on that when I used the word crisples. And quoted Brittany Spears, which by the way is actually spelled Britney, because apparently spell check is a fan. I didn’t correct it though, because hello, rebel here! And frankly, I find it quite ridiculous that spell check knows the difference.

Although you might think rhubarb red wine mustard would be a totally limited condiment, it’s actually quite versatile. Think charcuterie plates, ham sandwiches, or pork of all kind, really. Add a little sophistication to your next backyard BBQ to make up for that time you told all your friends you were grilling asparagi. They’ll forgive you once they get a kick in the mouth from this mustard! Invite them over. Crank up the flavor. Crank up the tunes. Spread the mustard. Spread the love. Lovin’, it’s what I got.